It's funny. When people learn that they're expecting another child, usually their second, fear is one of the feelings most notable to them. Why is that? When I think about the second child I have growing inside of me, all I can feel is excitement. Sheer, utter excitement. What an incredible thing it is to have a child that is yours to love for the rest of your life. But why don't I feel fear about this child? Only anticipation and excitement? I think some fear the way their life will change. Maybe that they won't have enough patience or that they could never love another child the way they do their first. I don't fear these things because I think they all just come naturally. No need to over think them.
On Friday, at my most recent doctor visit, I left with a feeling of uncertainty. Not because the doctors or staff left me with that feeling. Naturally, I think I read into things too much and sent myself into a panic. I was so worried that something may be wrong with my baby and there would be nothing I could do about it. But I finally realized why some parents may fear more children. It's that feeling you get when you hear a thud in the next room and subsequently the scream. It's that panic where you're searching for blood or pain or anything else that may have tarnished your perfect baby. It's knowing that you can only love them and do your best, as protecting them from all pain and fear and other ugliness of life is impossible. It's that wishing that you could take it all away for them, even if it means suffering yourself, just so they don't have to. It's maddening. Sickening. Terrifying.
And I already feel all of those things with my ONE child. My sweet, rowdy, smart, and funny three year old (who surely is making me age at an exponential rate.) Or maybe he's keeping me young. Either way, loving my one child brings all of these feelings, and I just can't imagine feeling it for TWO children. Knowing that you are responsible for TWO lives and unable to protect them from everything sounds terrifying. Worrying about the safety and well-being for two lives other than your own is tremendous, but surely it is not that awful as people continue to have more and more children. It's just something I pondered in the midst of my panic, and it helped to write it down and hopefully get it out of me.
I guess what I'm saying is, sometimes it's really hard to accept the things that happen to our children, despite our best efforts to protect them. But, when all is said and done, I think everything happens for a reason, and in the end we are better for having loved and been loved by our children. And really, more children just mean so much more love, and who wouldn't want that?
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