Kids are scary

It's funny. When people learn that they're expecting another child, usually their second, fear is one of the feelings most notable to them. Why is that? When I think about the second child I have growing inside of me, all I can feel is excitement. Sheer, utter excitement. What an incredible thing it is to have a child that is yours to love for the rest of your life. But why don't I feel fear about this child? Only anticipation and excitement? I think some fear the way their life will change. Maybe that they won't have enough patience or that they could never love another child the way they do their first. I don't fear these things because I think they all just come naturally. No need to over think them. 

On Friday, at my most recent doctor visit, I left with a feeling of uncertainty. Not because the doctors or staff left me with that feeling. Naturally, I think I read into things too much and sent myself into a panic. I was so worried that something may be wrong with my baby and there would be nothing I could do about it. But I finally realized why some parents may fear more children. It's that feeling you get when you hear a thud in the next room and subsequently the scream. It's that panic where you're searching for blood or pain or anything else that may have tarnished your perfect baby. It's knowing that you can only love them and do your best, as protecting them from all pain and fear and other ugliness of life is impossible. It's that wishing that you could take it all away for them, even if it means suffering yourself, just so they don't have to. It's maddening. Sickening. Terrifying.

And I already feel all of those things with my ONE child. My sweet, rowdy, smart, and funny three year old (who surely is making me age at an exponential rate.) Or maybe he's keeping me young. Either way, loving my one child brings all of these feelings, and I just can't imagine feeling it for TWO children. Knowing that you are responsible for TWO lives and unable to protect them from everything sounds terrifying. Worrying about the safety and well-being for two lives other than your own is tremendous, but surely it is not that awful as people continue to have more and more children. It's just something I pondered in the midst of my panic, and it helped to write it down and hopefully get it out of me.

I guess what I'm saying is, sometimes it's really hard to accept the things that happen to our children, despite our best efforts to protect them. But, when all is said and done, I think everything happens for a reason, and in the end we are better for having loved and been loved by our children. And really, more children just mean so much more love, and who wouldn't want that?

Nolan's First Day of School

It really happened. I sent Nolan to school. There may or may not have been tears. His tears? My tears? Well, it's not really important. But I like to think we came out above it. He was so excited to see me and tell me about his couple hours with his new teacher and friends.

I just have this uncontrollable fear that he won't "fit in" or whatever it is that three year olds do when they are are together in a group. Like, will they see that he is shy and not let him play with the frickin train table. Will they sit there and laugh at the little cry baby whose mom couldn't bear to part with him for 3 1/2 years? Or maybe they'll be sweet little kids who just love everyone and welcome him with open (probably snotty and germy) arms?

What concerns me more is will I FIT IN?? Taking you toddler to school is like a whole new level of scary, cliquey high school ness. Who are the cool parents? Which parents are the ones to avoid? Which ones don't bathe? Well, those ones are usually easy to find. But really, I felt so awkward and weird walking through his school. See, there's a carpool lane to drop off and pick up your kids where school volunteers will get your kids out of the car and put them in for the sake of flowing traffic. Well, I of course wanted to go inside to get Nolan and talk to his teacher about his monumental first day of school. I had no clue what to do. I got stuck in the car pool line. Little did I know, I was in the wrong one anyways. Then I went to go inside but the door was locked. Apparently I exude child stealer in my cute boots and leg warmers, pea coat, and sparkle scarf. So, I explained to the volunteers that I'm not so experienced at having a big kid that goes to school and can't get into the school to pick up my baby. Miss So and So kindly led me in the door (which conveniently was not locked a whopping 30 seconds after I tried it) and apologized for being over bearing and overly excited to pick up Nolan. I felt like everyone was staring at me like "um get a grip. Your kid is fine. You look like a creep."

But in reality, I'm sure nobody thought I was anythign other than a concerned, excited mama who was ready to get her boy. From his teachers I learned that he had a pretty good day. As I was leaving, I saw him with his arm over his eyes like he was hiding the fact that he was crying. That was rough. But after that, everything seemingly went smoothly. He got a little weepy here and there, but SURPRISE, he found a Spiderman toy that saved his day.

Hey, he says he'll go back. Surely it wasn't that bad. Who knows, maybe I'll even get to go to the gym like I planned!!

*fingers crossed we both fit in*

Blogging again? What What!!

I've had a blog for a while now, but normally I go months and months at a time without even thinking about it, much less writing on it, and I'd really like to change that. Sometimes I feel like I really just have something to say, but don't necessarily have an appropriate medium to voice it (like Facebook). Also, I really want a way to stay more connected with close family and keep them more up to date on our daily grind. Facebook is great, but sometimes it's nice to share things with family that I'd rather not share with my entire friends list. So I though going back to blogging would be the best way to do this. Sometimes I'll think of something really awesome that I want to do or want to remember, and a blog seems like the best place to write such things. Plus it's a great way to record life and have something to look back on. Much like journaling without my TERRIBLE handwriting, hand cramps, and running out of ink...

So, here's to *hopefully sticking with* blogging.