Nol School

Oh gosh. School. I'm so torn. Or I guess I was. For the past few months, I've been really trying to figure out what road to take for Nolan's education. First I was planning on doing 3 year preschool at the private school and then sending Nolan to the public school for 4 year preschool which is free for us. It seemed like a good plan. That would transition Nolan more easily from life with a stay at home mom to life away from home.

Well, that was great until I realized that the only option for public preschool was to send him 5 days a week, 6-8 hours/day, depending on which school he would go to (which I wouldn't get to choose). I felt/feel like that is unacceptable. Children are not designed to sit in a classroom ALL day EVERY day at such a young age, not to mention that Nolan will be the youngest class, having only JUST turned four a week or so before his first day, making him the youngest in his class. I mean, once you start school, it's all school all the time until you graduate high school. And hopefully you continue on to higher education which just means more school. Why throw him into school so soon when he'll basically spend the next 14 to 18 years in school. Why not let him have time to be a kid and stay home and play and learn that way. Also, he'll have just become a big brother. I want him to be be home to experience his new sibling, not just get to see him a few hours before bedtime during the week and on weekends.

So, I guess that means private school, at least for preschool. Well, that is all fun and games, but it feels stupid to pay for preschool when I can send him to public school for free. I mean, free is never free. It obviously comes with costs, like the cost of Nolan's childhood. He'll get to go for free, but he won't get that extra year of play. Even though I totally know that public preschool is about the farthest things from structure, I just don't feel like he needs to spend so much time in that setting when he can get lots of "unstructure" right here at home. Ok, great so we're going to private preschool. Well, is he really learning that much a preschool that I couldn't teach him at home?

What about home school? I have some great friends that home school or plan to home school, and they make it seem so great. I'm sure it can be. But can I commit to homeschooling every day? Do I trust my son's education in my own hands, my hands that are not educated to educate? I mean, teacher require master's degrees for a reason. It's the real deal. The future of our world rests in the unmolded minds of today's children, and teaching them is the MOST important task. Am I up to that challenge?? Maybe I could be. I really love the idea of catering/designing an education exactly for my son. We can spend extra time on the topics he struggles with and breeze right through the ones in which he excels. Also, we can cater learning to his strengths and interests. He can't get that at any school, public or private.

Plus, I love having him home with me. At the risk of sounds like an overbearing mother who can't let here child go, he is my son. I made a conscious effort to bring him into this world because I wanted a child in my life. I wanted to raise a child from beginning to end and be there for all of the in between. When he goes to school for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, I miss all of that. And yes, I know, children need to learn to be independent of their parents, but I feel like he is mine, mine to love, mine to teach, mine to learn from, MINE. I don't want to give the gift that is my son to anyone one else. But then I as myself if I am being selfish and keeping him from an experience because of my own fears and insecurities.

So that is the dilemma I've been struggling with for the past I don't even know how long, but while I was doing that, I enrolled Nolan in 3 year preschool at a private school. It's two days a week, 3 hours each day. At first it was terrible. I was so sad leaving him, and he was so sad leaving me. I even thought that pulling him out may be ok. But then it got better. And he liked it.

And that leads me to now. Thursday I had our first parent teacher conference. I know, like really? I already have a child old enough to have parent teacher conferences? So anyways, his teachers had really great things to say about him and made me feel so great about my decision to send him to school there - so great that I decided to send him back. Of course we'll still keep up with some of our leaning at home, but I certainly won't be such a stickler about it. She really confirmed that my fears about public school are legitimate and some of my other concerns as well. So, now I'm pretty content with my decision to send him to private preschool, and better yet, I don't have to get him up and around to school 5 days a week. I just couldn't commit to that.

Kids are scary

It's funny. When people learn that they're expecting another child, usually their second, fear is one of the feelings most notable to them. Why is that? When I think about the second child I have growing inside of me, all I can feel is excitement. Sheer, utter excitement. What an incredible thing it is to have a child that is yours to love for the rest of your life. But why don't I feel fear about this child? Only anticipation and excitement? I think some fear the way their life will change. Maybe that they won't have enough patience or that they could never love another child the way they do their first. I don't fear these things because I think they all just come naturally. No need to over think them. 

On Friday, at my most recent doctor visit, I left with a feeling of uncertainty. Not because the doctors or staff left me with that feeling. Naturally, I think I read into things too much and sent myself into a panic. I was so worried that something may be wrong with my baby and there would be nothing I could do about it. But I finally realized why some parents may fear more children. It's that feeling you get when you hear a thud in the next room and subsequently the scream. It's that panic where you're searching for blood or pain or anything else that may have tarnished your perfect baby. It's knowing that you can only love them and do your best, as protecting them from all pain and fear and other ugliness of life is impossible. It's that wishing that you could take it all away for them, even if it means suffering yourself, just so they don't have to. It's maddening. Sickening. Terrifying.

And I already feel all of those things with my ONE child. My sweet, rowdy, smart, and funny three year old (who surely is making me age at an exponential rate.) Or maybe he's keeping me young. Either way, loving my one child brings all of these feelings, and I just can't imagine feeling it for TWO children. Knowing that you are responsible for TWO lives and unable to protect them from everything sounds terrifying. Worrying about the safety and well-being for two lives other than your own is tremendous, but surely it is not that awful as people continue to have more and more children. It's just something I pondered in the midst of my panic, and it helped to write it down and hopefully get it out of me.

I guess what I'm saying is, sometimes it's really hard to accept the things that happen to our children, despite our best efforts to protect them. But, when all is said and done, I think everything happens for a reason, and in the end we are better for having loved and been loved by our children. And really, more children just mean so much more love, and who wouldn't want that?

Nolan's First Day of School

It really happened. I sent Nolan to school. There may or may not have been tears. His tears? My tears? Well, it's not really important. But I like to think we came out above it. He was so excited to see me and tell me about his couple hours with his new teacher and friends.

I just have this uncontrollable fear that he won't "fit in" or whatever it is that three year olds do when they are are together in a group. Like, will they see that he is shy and not let him play with the frickin train table. Will they sit there and laugh at the little cry baby whose mom couldn't bear to part with him for 3 1/2 years? Or maybe they'll be sweet little kids who just love everyone and welcome him with open (probably snotty and germy) arms?

What concerns me more is will I FIT IN?? Taking you toddler to school is like a whole new level of scary, cliquey high school ness. Who are the cool parents? Which parents are the ones to avoid? Which ones don't bathe? Well, those ones are usually easy to find. But really, I felt so awkward and weird walking through his school. See, there's a carpool lane to drop off and pick up your kids where school volunteers will get your kids out of the car and put them in for the sake of flowing traffic. Well, I of course wanted to go inside to get Nolan and talk to his teacher about his monumental first day of school. I had no clue what to do. I got stuck in the car pool line. Little did I know, I was in the wrong one anyways. Then I went to go inside but the door was locked. Apparently I exude child stealer in my cute boots and leg warmers, pea coat, and sparkle scarf. So, I explained to the volunteers that I'm not so experienced at having a big kid that goes to school and can't get into the school to pick up my baby. Miss So and So kindly led me in the door (which conveniently was not locked a whopping 30 seconds after I tried it) and apologized for being over bearing and overly excited to pick up Nolan. I felt like everyone was staring at me like "um get a grip. Your kid is fine. You look like a creep."

But in reality, I'm sure nobody thought I was anythign other than a concerned, excited mama who was ready to get her boy. From his teachers I learned that he had a pretty good day. As I was leaving, I saw him with his arm over his eyes like he was hiding the fact that he was crying. That was rough. But after that, everything seemingly went smoothly. He got a little weepy here and there, but SURPRISE, he found a Spiderman toy that saved his day.

Hey, he says he'll go back. Surely it wasn't that bad. Who knows, maybe I'll even get to go to the gym like I planned!!

*fingers crossed we both fit in*

Blogging again? What What!!

I've had a blog for a while now, but normally I go months and months at a time without even thinking about it, much less writing on it, and I'd really like to change that. Sometimes I feel like I really just have something to say, but don't necessarily have an appropriate medium to voice it (like Facebook). Also, I really want a way to stay more connected with close family and keep them more up to date on our daily grind. Facebook is great, but sometimes it's nice to share things with family that I'd rather not share with my entire friends list. So I though going back to blogging would be the best way to do this. Sometimes I'll think of something really awesome that I want to do or want to remember, and a blog seems like the best place to write such things. Plus it's a great way to record life and have something to look back on. Much like journaling without my TERRIBLE handwriting, hand cramps, and running out of ink...

So, here's to *hopefully sticking with* blogging.